Are you leading your life or is your life leading you?

This week I realized something: I’m very happy with the outline of my life, the work I do, the people I spend my life with, my meditation practice…but I do not always feel happy and fulfilled in the moments ‘in between’, I often feel I’m not in charge of those moments but just drift away in them…

When I look at my schedule for the day, at first glance there seems to be such little time where I am not occupied with something…anything. Occupied meaning waking up, dressing and feeding children, preparing and cooking breakfasts, snacks, lunches and dinners for five people, taking children to and from school, giving training, doing one-on-one coaching, giving massages, posting something on my livinglifewithattention facebook page, checking emails, advertising my services etc etc, all the usual and unusual, errands and emergecies that one is dealing with during a day…

I am always looking and longing for the empty spots where I can ‘do what I really want to do’ in between all this.

Sometimes, an empty spot like that suddenly shows up and when that happens I first get really excited about all the possibilities that now open up for me…and than…I kind of panic because I don’t know what would be the best, nicest, most wonderful thing to do during those precious empty hours that are all mine and all up to me to fill.

So I crawl behind my computer or smart phone and go on facebook, or I check my email over and over again, I do more advertising that is useful but not necessary at that exact moment and before I know it, those very precious hours in which I could have done wonderful, fulfilling things have past already and it’s time again to get the children from school, work with a client or start cooking…

And each time this happens I really feel I let the time slip away, that I missed out on an opportunity to be engaged in something I actually would have enjoyed and feel good about. And the point is: it is not just a feeling, it’s true!

I, we all, spend so much time being busy being busy, that we miss out on doing things that mean something to us, that leave us fullfilled and satisfied and that could actually make a difference in our day or even in the broader context of our lives and the path we are walking.

I, and I’m sure you as well, have many ideas about what I ‘really want to do’ in my empty hours. But unless I bring these ideas to the forefront of my head and attention they easily fade away in those moments when I need them to be present and alive.

So to this end (to make them present and alive!) I sat down yesterday evening. In my bed, with my journal and pen. I purposefully left my telephone downstairs so that I couldn’t get tempted to check facebook in between journalling, and wrote a list of things I want to do when I have ‘spare’ hours. Nothing extreme, just things like reading a good book, studying my doula studie books, cleaning out closets and cupboards, doing meditation, yoga or going for a swim or walk, or writing a blog for my website..

And so I started today, after and before my ‘must do’s’ I found 1,5 hours where I went into the garden with a nicely made caffe latte and read a book and than sat down to write this blog. I feel happy, fulfilled and feel I used my time in a way I wanted to use it.

The key is, I had to be mindful about where I deliberately wanted to focus my attention and than started acting on it it instead of letting myself drifting away in the easy social media distraction…

If you don’t know your focus, choose your focus and lead yourself through your day, your day will be leading you instead. Ultimately all those lost moments and days will add up until you realize that life is leading you instead of you directing and creating your own life.

So..Do you lead your life or is your life leading you? Do you live, or do you exist? Do you choose and focus or do you drift of in distractions?

“I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet.
The function of man is to live, not to exist.
I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them.
I shall use my time.”
― Jack London